The Four Agreements—A Book to Change Your Life

I have read more self-help, self-discovery, and self-actualization books than I can count. So many have given me tools in my journey as a human being, but there is one book I come back to again and again that grounds me. In the spirit of passing along wisdom to my kids through my May blogs, I’d like to share more about this special book.

It is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I recommend owning a copy and always keeping an extra copy on hand to share. Read it more than once in your life. Read it often, especially if you need some grounding during a difficult time. I reflect back on it at random and hope you will, too. It is one of those books that is what I call “simple hard”. In other words, a set of simple concepts that are challenging to implement.

Here are the “Four Agreements” in a nutshell:

1. Be impeccable with your word: Speak with integrity, say only what you mean, and avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t take things personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t make assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.

4. Always do your best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment and it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

These four guiding principles will help you to live your most authentic life. At different times in life, you will struggle with different principles for different reasons. Even when this happens, be glad you are simply aware of the struggle. Everything starts with awareness and it’s the place from which you grow, adapt, and change for the better.

For me, Agreement #1 has helped the most. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, be honest with yourself. If you can be honest with yourself, then you can trust yourself. Of all the people that will be a part of your life, YOU are the only one that will be with you every waking moment along the way. Being able to be honest with yourself always and to look yourself in the eye in the mirror, is a gift you can give yourself all the time. It takes courage and can be difficult or feel like “gray area” at times when being totally honest with others. You will learn to navigate this as you continue in life. The closer you live to Agreement #1 on a daily basis, the less drama you will invite into your life. 

In terms of Agreement #2 (Don’t take things personally), having awareness of what I internalize has helped me with so much in life. This agreement was not innate for me. It took practice, repetition, and reminding, and I am so much better at it now. I hope it comes easy for you. Do your magic, own your life, and realize that others can just add noise. I had to remember that my life was not created as a sacrifice for the lives of others. There are some people that I will attract, and others I will send running the other way. That is OK; in fact, that is perfect. Enjoy your people and let others enjoy their people. I used to try to be a savior for others, trying to solve all their problems. It left me frustrated, depleted, and devalued…until I simply realized that wasn’t my circus, and those weren’t my monkeys! When I catch myself leaning into the savior role, I repeat that mantra (Not my circus, and not my monkeys!) and move on. May you struggle with this agreement less than I have!

With Agreement #3 (Don’t make assumptions), it’s a challenge not to make assumptions about the world around us and the people in it. Making assumptions is human nature because we take in lots of data through our senses and our brains like to fill in the blanks, so it all makes sense to us. It almost goes against human nature to NOT make assumptions. However, if we simply pause before drawing conclusions, it is very liberating to understand that our assumptions are merely stories and they likely never paint the full picture of what’s truly going on!  We do not yet live in a world or time and place where we can read one another’s minds.  Let’s be honest, half the time we don’t even know what is going on in our own mind! Take up space for yourself, ask for what you desire, and put effort, hustle, and drive behind your dreams. Don’t worry about assumptions others make about you or believe assumptions that creep into your own mind. The clearer you are, the more doors will open, and the more opportunities that will come forth. When we communicate clearly, without holding onto assumptions, life becomes truly magical!

Live your life so Agreement #4 is a way of being. Knowing that you are always doing your best allows you to love yourself and the process, whatever you happen to be working on at the time. As they say in yoga: it isn’t “yoga perfect” it is a “yoga practice”. Life is a practice, every day and every moment. Play, experience, contribute, and enjoy it all!  

Now, for those of you reading this post, especially parents, what other books would you recommend your children read throughout their lives?